Out of the comfort zone

True self?

thinking

Thinking about my true self

Today is the day before Good Friday. Man, how time flies. 4 Whole days where the office is closed. It is not often you get this luxury: no extra work piling up and you can just work through the backlog from home.

But wait…no. I’ve been doing that for way too long, which led to a small collapse not too long ago. Only when I went back to work, did I realize I worked too hard, and it was killing my job satisfaction.

Not too long after that, I started wondering what I should do otherwise. So you’d expect that I’d undergo some soulsearching, and figure out what I want to do next. And indeed, I got myself a nice little notebook, so I could write down likes and dislikes as they come to mind.

It’s still empty.

Back to the routine

It took a lot shorter than you’d expect to just return to the routine of daily life. I work, I work some more, and I sleep. Still an improvement from work, work some more, work even more and sleep a little…but not quite the change of course my body told me I need to take. I wonder how come.

Last night, I was still at work “finishing up on some things” around 11:30pm. It made me realize, I really need to change, before my body begins shouting louder.

I just don’t know where to start.

When are you truly you?

question-true-self

Questioning everything

So I ended up signing up for one of those free online “challenges”. Usually, they aren’t that great, but hey…desperate times call for desperate measures.

A few days later, the first email came, day 1 out of 4.

There was a video. A small e-book, and an assignment. But alltogether, the first day-challenge boiled down to trying to find the answer to three simple questions:

  1. What’s holding you back from being yourself at any given time and place?
  2. When can you really be yourself?
  3. What would your life look like if you were truly true to yourself?

We’re now a few weeks later, and I did receive the rest of the e-Course as well. But I am still stuck at the first day.

What’s holding me back from being true to myself

Well, this one is easy. I’ve lost friends (well..friends), I’ve lost a relationship and I’ve lost jobs in the past from being true to myself. So yeah, my ambition has led me to sometimes (often…all the time…) putting on a mask and pretending to be some professional, some expert who totally does not suffer from doubts.

When can I really be “me”

This question was rather confronting. Because… I don’t know. The last time I remember I was truly me was probably when I was camping in a desert somewhere…must have been in 2003-2004 or something. Kinda shocking, no? Well, suffice to say, it kinda hurt having to confess this to myself.

What would life look like if I were truly true to myself

This is where I got stuck. Sure, I know my life would look different than it does now. The masks would be gone, and the world would see what is behind the mask. But…

I don’t even know what’s behind the mask anymore. When people tell me to be authentic, they always refer to a moment when I am playing some part. Often, they say this at a moment when I *was* actually being authentic… ouch

Stranded

So, yes… I was stranded. I am still stranded at this third question of the first day. What would like look like if I were truly true to myself? I don’t know. I will have to discover who my true self is. It’s a quest I’ve tried to embark upon before, but I’ve stranded before. So how will I tackle this problem this time. How do I find out who the True me is?

*sigh*

I am gonna have to spend some time this Easter Weekend…

 

 

Leave a Reply

Powered by: Wordpress
%d bloggers like this: